Monday, August 10, 2009

I hope you Dance...

"When you get a chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance" Lee Ann Womack

Last week, on Wednesday, my wife and I had a confrontation about my gender.
What was it I wanted to do? How did I intend to live? It was a confrontation we have had time and again over the last fifteen years. Always, in the past, ALWAYS, when faced with the choice to sit it out or dance, I have chosen to sit it out. The fear of losing her, the fear of her anger, the fear of her hurt, the fears of losing my children and having them disrespect me, all of this went into those many decisions to sit it out. She was very angry with me over the deceit and the money I've spent developing a wardrobe. She used arguments to make me feel bad about my actions and my "desires". She brought up the kids and their friends. She brought up family. She's used it all before and it worked for her. But not this time.

Wednesday, I chose to dance.

I know that I have to leave the house. Whether I get a job or not, I am going to have to live somewhere else pretty soon. She's asked me a couple of times if I have changed my mind. And I have heard the hurt in her voice when I told her, "No, hon, I'm sorry but I haven't."

I have a lot of sadness. I love my wife. I love my kids. But this charade I have played in the past is killing me. I want to be real and available and share who I really am with the people I love. Somehow, I just haven't been able to do that as a man. People tell me I am more real when I am being myself and it's just plain easier. It is easier to be open, to have a sense of humor, to enjoy my life, to be in the moment. I've stopped thinking about when God might call me home. Before, it could not be soon enough. I don't even think about it now.

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