Monday, March 30, 2009

Yesterday, at Church

..... at First Congregational United Church of Christ...

It's the first time I've been to church in a long time. And the first time in more than 10 years as myself. Actually, only the second time ever.

Please Poppa, fill me with you. Rekindle my passion for you. Break my heart and help me cry.

..... Waiting for a friend at IHOP...

Waiting for a friend... Somehow I think I have many more friends than I thought. A lot of these people that I am calling friends now were people that I knew before as Michael. I guess I'm surprised [a little] that they hung with me.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Who am I?

Who am I? The question of adolescence.

Who am I? The question of gender transition. There are differences. Typical adolescence starts with more innocence, more possibilities and more fellow travelers. For me, the adolescence of gender transition has been burdened with the responsibilities of being a husband and father, hindered with the foreknowledge of sexuality, and often shackled by second thoughts.

There is a lot I am trying to figure out about myself. My nature is to drift with the current, indeed shooting rapids without a paddle. I need to visualize who I am and who I want to be. I hear what people say to me about what my life can be and, mostly, I just smile and nod my head and not quite ignore and certainly not act on what they say. I am afraid of the future. I’m afraid of the moral implications. I do not consider what consequences are for me. I do not consider the consequences because I would face a decision about which set of consequences I might choose. But there really are not two sets of consequences. It is a “pay me now, or pay me later” world. By not deciding with the pretext of the “consequences” for my family, I only postpone the pain and discomfort for everyone. Any chance my family, the people I love , have of having joy in their lives where my life touches theirs is withheld. Any chance of living with joy that I may have becomes like a steak put into a freezer for later and forgotten; the freezer burn robs the flavor the steak could have had.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A Very Merry Unbirthday to Me...

In Alice in wonderland, Disney version, there is a big birthday scene where the characters are celebrating an Un-Birthday! You have 364 unbitrthdays every year, don’t ya know. I had my 56th birthday this last Sunday. And today is an unbirthday. so... A very merry unbirthday to Me! and you too, of course.

I was chatting with a friend this morning and she told me, “I just wanted to make sure that you know that I believe you are a fantastic person. and that you have the world right there for you.” I very much appreciate what she said but I am a bit puzzled, too. I am not at all sure what she meant. I’m gonna have to ask her what she meant when I see her next.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

An introduction if I may...

I am a 56 year-old, transgendered or transsexual woman. I want to live the rest of my life as a woman. Living as a woman fits me better than trying to live as a man ever has. I have wanted to be a girl, and now a woman since I was very little. Like many others I got married thinking that I would be finally complete and not need to be a woman anymore. Nearly thirty years and two wonderful Christian children later... I am ready to “be nobody but [myself] in a world that's doing its best to make [me] somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle [I am] ever going to fight. [I’ll] Never stop fighting.” (e.e.cummings)

I have always tried to be a good boy, a good husband, a good father, a good Christian. But the definition of “a good...” was always everyone else’s definition. Now my goal is to be a good woman, a good partner, a better father [without the deceit I have necessarily practiced] and a good follower of the Way of Jesus, the Christ.