Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The Second Wednesday

Yesterday didn't start out so well. She had problems peeing and for a time it seemed she' d have to have the catheter re-inserted. Emotionally, this would have been a major set-back and we really struggled through the morning. She decided to wait and see how the day worked out. Peeing was never easy but it did get better. Her outlook improved as the day went on and it turned out to be a good day.

She dressed herself really nice yesterday; first time since before surgery. Skirt, makeup, did her hair and. of course, her heels. She looked great!

She took me out to lunch at a restaurant I'd found close by, Mimi's Cafe. It has a nice atmosphere and the food is good. She gave me a very lovely card for my birthday. [I still choke up over it just thinking about it.] It seems Mimi's doesn't make much on their lunch menu that doesn't have bread or wheat in it and Debra had to send things back, until they got things right. We had a nice time...

When we got back to the hotel, she received a text from the young woman who had been to Dr. Bowers the day after her and had been a housemate at Gwen's. Johanna wanted to now if we'd like to meet them for lunch! At Mimi's! :-) I suggested that maybe they would like to come over here for dinner? I was planning for Tuesday or Wednesday evening to make my chicken adobo. So last night I made my adobo on a glorified hotplate and we sat on the4 beds, talked and had a really good time.  Debra opened her champagne and we dished up the ice cream and berries they'd brought for dessert. We toasted the new girls and enjoyed. It was a very good evening.

We both slept to almost 8 this morning. She didn't sleep that well and was up several times during the night. The beds and, particularly, the pillows here are ... not really comfortable. And she is still healing and dealing with body issues. I asked her how the peeing was and she told me it is more difficult than most of yesterday, but she's working through it. Some of her friends online told her it can be more difficult in the morning. She has woken up with a really great attitude! It is so nice to see her smile and hear her laugh again! She's singing with her Country and Pop [actually it's her Coping playlist: Trans themed and working through life] while she's making herself prettier [she's always, always pretty to me]. When it's my turn, I'm listening to my Kingston Trio and Peter, Paul and Mary [and not the ones in the Bible, either!].

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Tuesday Morning, 7:30AM -- One week later

Today seems no different than any other day, and yet, today seems like a different universe. This time a week ago they were taking Debra in to surgery.

She is up showering this morning. She woke at 7 and did her dilation. She slept ok most of the night, but woke up with some headache pain around 4 and her bladder isn't comfortable. She feels like she needs to pee but is having trouble actually passing water. Hopefully, this will be better as the day goes on.

Today is my 59th birth day. The last year has been amazing!

A little over a year ago... <sad sigh> the divorce with my wife of 29 years was final; our love couldn't sustain us one way or another through my gender conflict. She is an amazing woman! and still my friend. Her friendship is a gift I am very, very thankful for.

In February, I became a member of the Everett United Church of Christ, an Open and Affirming congregation in Everett, Washington. It has been a pleasure to serve Poppa and The One Who Loves Me, Jesus, in worship with the rest of the congregation at this loving an wonderful church.

A year ago, I had a gender reassignment surgery, no caps because it is not the Gender Confirmation Surgery Debra just came through. A bilateral orchiectomy is considered valid for legal gender reassignment. No longer having any testosterone has made me post-menopausal pretty much the same as any woman in her late 50's.

In April, I bought a puppy, a feisty little black ball of fluff I named Xena, Warrior Princess (in training). She has been a great joy, especially once she calmed down enough to figure out she likes cuddling on my lap in the evening.

Last year, I decided I was going to get back into hiking. I found a Meetup group of people who hike at my speed [a step or two faster than a banana slug] called PNW Leisure Hiking. I wasn't able to do all the hiking I wanted to do but I had fun when I did go and thoroughly enjoy the Gryph! I hope to do more hiking this year.

But my relationship with my Daughter-In-Love, Debra is the high point of the last year-and-a-half. I must! give Poppa all the credit and Glory and Praise for bringing this young woman into my life. I have had very big holes to fill in my life. Poppa knows this. It would have been very easy for me to try to fill them with an inappropriate relationship, a relationship I really am not ready for. So Poppa brings a young woman who needed a parental figure into the life of a woman in need of someone to love in a healthy manner. Our relationship has grown so much and has been the source of great comfort, joy and laughter for both of us. Well, actually, she just loves me for my Chicken Adobo.

I don't know what Poppa has for me this next year. I hope to find work and have enough income that I don't have to live on my Dad's inheritance anymore. I also hope to receive medical benefits with any job I get. The cost of my diabetes meds are really killing me. I want to do more hiking and camping. I want to do more photography. I would like to go fishing more often. And Gender Confirmation Surgery is something I'd like to have done if I can pay for it.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

As my girl sleeps

I am sitting in a hospital recliner/lounge chair watching her try to sleep. She has come through her surgery, the surgery that confirms the gender she has always been. That's why she calls it Gender Confirmation Surgery rather than some variation on "Reassignment." she had some nerves to deal with before we left. Not many or great issues but some. But she has been very calm for the most part and always composed. I'm watching her with the mix of emotions that a parent has when their child is in some pain going through a transition in their life that the child has to go through. There is fear for the unknown and fear for the pain. There are sympathetic pains, too. There is the swirling feelings of hope and concern for the child to pass this test and be stronger and more whole. I am struggling with the helplessness of not being able to do more. Of not being able to make her all better right now. Of not being able to take the pain for her. And I am so! in awe of her. She has had a serenity through all of this that I have never felt in myself and she is moving through all of this like she walks in her 4-inch heels! She hasn't missed a step! and is graceful beyond any word-picture I could try to paint.

This is so right for her! She never was a boy!

This woman who has adopted me as her mom... This woman I have adopted as my daughter! She humbles me! It is only the hand of Poppa! I want to ask what could I have done to deserve such a rich Blessing? And it feels like the Grace Poppa has given me through His Son, my Brother, Jesus. It feels that deep! that rich!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

To San Mateo

We are at 30-something thousand feet in a Boeing 737 about half-way between Seattle and Sn Francisco. Debra is reading Glamour across the aisle as calm as she could be. She is very ready for this. She has been fired up to get her Gender Confirmation Surgery since she went with me to Portland when I got my orchiectomy. Tomorrow she has a pre-op appointment with Dr. Bowers and blood work to do at the hospital. She will be doing bowel prep tomorrow evening. Tuesday morning she goes in and they give her the vagina she has wanted for so long.

I am not so calm. I have lost my confidence, my faith in myself. I know that the life I live now is the life I should be living. It is right for me to be a woman, to live as one. Make me sit down and think about it and I know I'm in the right place. But there is this nagging, niggling ache of uncertainty from moment to moment. I know that some of my doubts come from my financial situation. I am not good and holding to a budget. And I _need_ to live on a budget now. The concerns about my finances change if I can find work. Especially work that pays medical benefits. But I am scared. I don't like to do job hunting. I never have. I can't take the rejection. I cannot deal well with the being told I'm not good enough.

And I simply hate my social situation! I am ok, sometimes embraced, sometimes tolerated in the community of women I hang out in. But I feel close to no one but Debra and Danielle and they have their own lives. I've never been particularly outgoing. I need to really work on meeting people and hanging out with people.