Sunday, March 13, 2011

To San Mateo

We are at 30-something thousand feet in a Boeing 737 about half-way between Seattle and Sn Francisco. Debra is reading Glamour across the aisle as calm as she could be. She is very ready for this. She has been fired up to get her Gender Confirmation Surgery since she went with me to Portland when I got my orchiectomy. Tomorrow she has a pre-op appointment with Dr. Bowers and blood work to do at the hospital. She will be doing bowel prep tomorrow evening. Tuesday morning she goes in and they give her the vagina she has wanted for so long.

I am not so calm. I have lost my confidence, my faith in myself. I know that the life I live now is the life I should be living. It is right for me to be a woman, to live as one. Make me sit down and think about it and I know I'm in the right place. But there is this nagging, niggling ache of uncertainty from moment to moment. I know that some of my doubts come from my financial situation. I am not good and holding to a budget. And I _need_ to live on a budget now. The concerns about my finances change if I can find work. Especially work that pays medical benefits. But I am scared. I don't like to do job hunting. I never have. I can't take the rejection. I cannot deal well with the being told I'm not good enough.

And I simply hate my social situation! I am ok, sometimes embraced, sometimes tolerated in the community of women I hang out in. But I feel close to no one but Debra and Danielle and they have their own lives. I've never been particularly outgoing. I need to really work on meeting people and hanging out with people.

1 comment:

  1. I hope things will get better for you. Things tend to get better, you know? At least, that's what I've been told.