Thursday, September 30, 2010

The drive...

It's a long drive to Winthrop! And for someone trying to keep an eye open for things to take pictures of, going up through the mountains on US20 is an exciting, as in life-threatening, experience. The very scenic road twists and turns and presents all manner of beautiful opportunities to drive off the edge of the mountains! Obviously I didn't do that but I also didn't get any pictures either. There were some places I thought I might stop at on the way back. It also didn't help that I was not sure when I would be able to set up camp and I wanted to do it before sundown. And as my son knows,"It gets dark in the mountains real quick."

I checked out the campground at Early Winters. It was very disappointing. Only 20 or 30 yards from the highway and really sparse. I went back up the highway and went to the Klipchuk campground. Much quieter and suits my tastes better. There is a middle/high school group here on a trip. It will be kinda nice to not be totally alone in the campground. Odd how that makes a difference now that I'm out as a woman :-/ .
Xena was her champ best on the drive. And she wasn't too much of a "help" when I was trying to get the tent set up. The kids all love her when I take her around the campgrounds. And, as usual, she loves them all right back!

Getaway Day

I have told anyone with ears that I was going to get back into camping. I have spent a fair chunk of change and tons of time trying to be prepared to leave on a whim. I am not leaving on a whim. and I'm not going to be getting onto the road as soon as I had dreamed. I have a few things to take care of this morning before I can leave. Not the least of which is laundry. But I have thought things out reasonably well and I am comfortable with my planning.

I am planning to drive over the North Cascades Highway [US20] and camp somewhere in the Methow [MET-how] valley up stream from Winthrop, Washington. If Early Winters is still open? that will be my first choice of campgrounds. Wherever I end up, I will go into Winthrop and contact my friends so that they know where I am for their own peace of mind and know where to start looking if I don't contact them.
I plan to do some fall photography and the valley will probably be better for that than up toward the pass. But I will be taking pictures everywhere. I am hoping that I can get some fishing done, too, but that is a secondary goal. [somehow the concept of "goal" seems blasphemous for the kind of trip I have in mind.]

Monday, September 20, 2010

This place I have come to ...

I have been aware of wanting to be a girl most of my life.  And most of my life I believed wanting to be a girl was a bad thing. So for most of my life I have wanted Poppa to take me home.  I have asked Him and pleaded with Him that if it was not His will and His plan to cure me, to take away this need to be a girl, couldn’t He please, Please, PLEASE?!? take me home?  I didn’t want to deal with the shame.  I didn’t want the ones I love to deal with my perverted, unclean needs.  I wanted to go Home!  Now!
I was never actively suicidal. I wanted Poppa to call me home.
I was subtly suicidal, though.  Like many people who have suffered chronic pain, particularly emotional pain, I found a way to numb myself.  But my self-medicating was slowly killing me emotionally and spiritually.  And I didn’t hate what I was doing enough to stop.  I was dying by my own hands.  I would tell myself I only had to live as long as my mom did [She died at 63] or I only had to make it to 70 [Because Jesus said that it was good for man to live 3 score and ten years.]  And those dates could not come soon enough.
A year ago, I came to a lonely and terrible place where I had to tell those I love [And I do still love them all … dearly!] that I had to live a different life; I could not continue to live trying to be someone I was not.
It has been, and still is and always will be, a process, a journey to try to live a life true to who I am.  And in this last year, I have still asked Poppa to take me home.  But it is not constant and is happening less and less frequently.  What I have found is I no longer think of how long must I wait to be “three score and ten.”  I no longer count the years to the age my mom died at.
For the first time in my life, I am not in a hurry to die.

Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah

My cousin sent me a link to an Italian "Free Hugs" video on youtube today.  It made me cry.  Alot.  And the music, the song, Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah, moved me hard.  I looked it up again and listened to k.d.langs version.  I cried a good deal more.  I looked up the lyrics so I got it right .  I read someone's comments somewhere that Bon Jovi's version was their favorite, so I went there, too.  While I was listening and crying to Bon Jovi, I read these lyrics and my ex-wife came to mind.  And then the rivers flowed from my eyes.

And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I wasn't very truthful about my gender and there were a lot of lies from there.  But I always told the truth about loving her.  And when I stand before my Poppa, there will be nothing on my tongue for her but Halleluja.