Monday, September 20, 2010

This place I have come to ...

I have been aware of wanting to be a girl most of my life.  And most of my life I believed wanting to be a girl was a bad thing. So for most of my life I have wanted Poppa to take me home.  I have asked Him and pleaded with Him that if it was not His will and His plan to cure me, to take away this need to be a girl, couldn’t He please, Please, PLEASE?!? take me home?  I didn’t want to deal with the shame.  I didn’t want the ones I love to deal with my perverted, unclean needs.  I wanted to go Home!  Now!
I was never actively suicidal. I wanted Poppa to call me home.
I was subtly suicidal, though.  Like many people who have suffered chronic pain, particularly emotional pain, I found a way to numb myself.  But my self-medicating was slowly killing me emotionally and spiritually.  And I didn’t hate what I was doing enough to stop.  I was dying by my own hands.  I would tell myself I only had to live as long as my mom did [She died at 63] or I only had to make it to 70 [Because Jesus said that it was good for man to live 3 score and ten years.]  And those dates could not come soon enough.
A year ago, I came to a lonely and terrible place where I had to tell those I love [And I do still love them all … dearly!] that I had to live a different life; I could not continue to live trying to be someone I was not.
It has been, and still is and always will be, a process, a journey to try to live a life true to who I am.  And in this last year, I have still asked Poppa to take me home.  But it is not constant and is happening less and less frequently.  What I have found is I no longer think of how long must I wait to be “three score and ten.”  I no longer count the years to the age my mom died at.
For the first time in my life, I am not in a hurry to die.


  1. And I am thankful for that! I need my momma =) *hugs*

  2. I am glad that your focus has shifted from dying to learning how to live. I think that's the key, isn't it? Being afraid of who you really were, learning to accept and then love who you are, and then finding joy in living as your authentic self- as God created you in His most perfect image which is not defined by gender but, instead, by love.