Sunday, March 29, 2009

Who am I?

Who am I? The question of adolescence.

Who am I? The question of gender transition. There are differences. Typical adolescence starts with more innocence, more possibilities and more fellow travelers. For me, the adolescence of gender transition has been burdened with the responsibilities of being a husband and father, hindered with the foreknowledge of sexuality, and often shackled by second thoughts.

There is a lot I am trying to figure out about myself. My nature is to drift with the current, indeed shooting rapids without a paddle. I need to visualize who I am and who I want to be. I hear what people say to me about what my life can be and, mostly, I just smile and nod my head and not quite ignore and certainly not act on what they say. I am afraid of the future. I’m afraid of the moral implications. I do not consider what consequences are for me. I do not consider the consequences because I would face a decision about which set of consequences I might choose. But there really are not two sets of consequences. It is a “pay me now, or pay me later” world. By not deciding with the pretext of the “consequences” for my family, I only postpone the pain and discomfort for everyone. Any chance my family, the people I love , have of having joy in their lives where my life touches theirs is withheld. Any chance of living with joy that I may have becomes like a steak put into a freezer for later and forgotten; the freezer burn robs the flavor the steak could have had.

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