Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Transition or Die...

I am not sure whether I've posted this before but I canna find it so...

With respect to "transition or die." I have been considering transition, living my life as myself a woman, for almost 20 years. I have only recently started to live my life full time. Somedays my life feels wonderful and others aren't so good. But my new life is still finding its paths.

I have always been uncomfortable when people comment on how "brave" I am to make this change, to live an authentic life. I appreciate the comment and what they mean behind it, but I don't feel brave. I always think and sometimes say, "It's not bravery or courage when you are faced with transition or die." I have not been in danger of physical death, but emotional and spiritual death have always been choices. I am an addict. Medication to make the pain go away, to numb myself has always been a part of my life. I KNOW I am capable of self-medicating to the point that who I am at the core becomes comatose and dies. And before living full-time my greatest pain was because I was not living authentically as myself.
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3 comments:

  1. CalieDecember 22, 2009 at 7:29 PM

    I deal with it with insane exercise. It brings out the natural high...endorphins. I prefer that route rather than numbing my mind with medication.

    I'm not trying to be harsh, Shannon, just relating the way I deal with it.

    Merry Christmas.

    Calie xx

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  2. DebraDecember 23, 2009 at 6:11 AM

    Shannon I soooo agree. I have so many people telling me I'm so "brave" all the time and I mean as much as the compliment is good, I always cringe and try to explain....I NEEDED to do this, I HAD to...there is no other option.

    Hope you're doing well these days, girl. Hopefully see you at group tonight.

    *hugs*

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  3. ShannonDecember 23, 2009 at 10:35 AM

    Calie>> I am glad that you have a way of dealing with your pains. My ways were/are food and sex, both "natural" highs that push away the pain for a bit. And with the pain reduced for a bit I felt capable of maintaining the facade I lived as a man. I have bad habits still. But it is so much easier for me now to be authentic, to not hide the my truths, warts and all!

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