Saturday, August 6, 2011

A Tangible Step...

The consultation with Dr. Meltzer went very, Very well.

Once I got there.

No one at the conference knew anything about any consultations that Dr. Meltzer might or might not be doing. This was actually a good thing for my nerves. I could get a little miffed at the snafu. Eventually, the Gender Odyssey people told me that Dr. Meltzer was doing consultations at his hotel. By the time I got to his hotel [a couple of blocks away so no big deal] my nerves were a little jangled again. I call and am told to come up to the floor and they'll call me when they're ready. So, I'm just about to settle in to this incredibly plush chair and continue reading my nook [A Game of Thrones] when a woman opens a door and calls my name.

I go in and there are two women working at lap tops at the desk and a third woman who gets up and greets me. Then I'm introduced to Dr. Meltzer. He is a very pleasant presence and I am put at ease right away. We sit down and tell him a bit about what I'm thinking and my concerns about my blood clots and my diabetes. I tell him that my PCP feels my diabetes will not be an issue when I get my A1c under 8 and that my clots aren't an issue either. He tells me under 8 is a good idea and that for patients with a history of clots he keeps them on a low dose of heparin for longer after the surgery. He hasn't had a patient with clots after surgery for years. He is very, very easy to talk to. His staff seemed extremely efficient. They had a package ready for me before I left and I will get an email package later in the week.

And it was over.

I was not nervous at all when I was talking to him. But going back down the elevator my feelings came back full force. Not from being anxious, but from relief and hope and joy and a positive expectation. Had I been at home instead of the lobby of a posh hotel, I would have come unglued and sobbed my heart out. Sometimes I am as surprised as I can be to find I have been keeping feelings under lock-and-key, hidden away from even myself. Before the consultation, I would have told you that GCS was something I wanted but I would have said from a logical point-of-view that I can live without it, just fine! And I would have believed my own words. After today, I know how much I want this. I know how much I need to be right in my body. I need the confirmation of this surgery. There is still a strong yearning? an ache? in my breast from the consultation and the hope I now have.


  1. I have such mixed emotions from a post such as this one, Shannon. I fight it, and then I read your last line and wonder why.

  2. girl, i think this is how robyn is. she says she doesn't 'need' the surgery... but in my heart she does! i think she represses the feelings so that she doesn't have to feel it. i know deep inside her, she'd be much happier with the surgery... i'm hoping once i graduate from grad school and get working, i can afford to get her the surgery! (don't tell her that though :D ) i love you girl! and miss you so incredibly much!!

  3. I'd bet your consultation with the Scottsdale-based Dr. Meltzer has changed the way you see transition signficantly, at least the part when it comes to surgery. I hope you're able to sort through all the emotions and find yourself in the right place to make the best decisions for you. From the little I've read of your blog it seems like you're really trying hard to work through all the feelings and issues. Kudos to you. Keep it up.

  4. You are in my prayers every day, Shannon.

    I have kept my feelings under lock and key even longer than you have. It's only been the last year or so that I have come to terms with them. And yes, scared.

    Just remember, the Lord is in control. Give it all up to Him. He is so much stronger than us.

    Prayers, Blessings, Hugs,

    Cynthia XX

  5. *hugs* momma. Glad it went well. And I can relate to the feelings of joy in regards to the promise of surgery.