I finished up my move today. We moved all the stuff that didn't get moved originally to storage yesterday and I went back to clean up a little and empty out the fridge today. I checked the mail one last time and turned in the keys. It was the apartment I moved to when my wife told me I needed to move out. It was the place I lived and adjusted to my new life. I healed there, both from the loss of my family and from my DVTs and It was a place for me to grow and get my feet and become the everyday woman I had always wanted to be. It is time now, to move on with my life.
I did this move with the help of my friends and a professional moving company. And I intentionally did not ask my Second Daughter, Debra, to help. I was thinking she wouldn't really want to help [which is not true!] and she has her own life and a boyfriend she loves very much. I told myself I didn't want to get in the way of that. But when I was all done, I felt like ... she should have been there, been a part of the move with me. I really missed having her around. [I always miss having her around] So why couldn't I ask for what I wanted?
Part of my thinking, actually crying words, lies I tell myself to hurt me, is I tell myself that I do not deserve good things, I don't deserve to have my daughter spend time with me. And the other thing is I am very used to sacrificing my desires and needs, that my children can be more comfortable or not inconvenienced. It was this trait that helped me get my First Daughter and my Son through college before I came out and started living my own life.
I tell myself, if Debra wants to spend time with me, she'll let me know and we'll schedule something. I tell myself that I'm not letting her go, not letting her grow up and have her own life if I'm asking for more of her time.
I tell myself a lot of crying words.
I wonder sometimes if I'm the one who needs to grow up.
We have gone for weeks where the only time we get with each other is Monday's. And we will say goodnight sometimes and I love you and, sometimes, I miss you. Often her schedule is very busy, but as often as not, we don't see each other because I don't ask.
There is a risk in asking for what I need, for what I want. She might be busy or not interested and not able to get together for something specific. And the childish me gets hurt. I have chosen not to ask on occasions because I don't want to deal with what I interpret as rejection. The truth is Debra has always been there for me and never has she rejected me. There have been times where we have had to rework schedules or find some other time to do something together. But she has always, Always been there when I needed her.
I need to remember, that for the first time in my life, it's ok to ask for what I want, for what I need. And Debra wants me to let her know when I want time with her.