Monday, May 21, 2012

Loving Me

Debra was over tonight for dinner.  It makes me feel really good when I can cook for her.  It's been a long time since she has come to where I live to have an evening with me and she hasn't been here to my new place for an evening since the night I first moved in.  It is definitely a Mom thing when I can cook dinner for her in my own place.  I've missed it.

After dinner we talked a little and then went over to a friend's to visit.  Lisa had eye surgery earlier in the day and we went by to say hi and comfort her.There were a couple other people there keeping her company.  Debra and the others got to talking aobut getting properly fitted for bra's.  I kinda got lost in the conversation.  After a while we left.  In the car, I struggled with trying to not let my body define me, and wrestling with breasts that are too small to measure and whether augmentation would be appropriate.  I very nearly lost it.  I told Debra where I was and she said she wondered why I was so quiet during the conversation.  Augmentation isn't the answer, though I don't really have a reason to not get implants.  I was ... am... grappling with trying to find that whole person I want to be, trying to love me for who I am.  I am so much closer to that place than I have ever been, but ... but I am not there just yet.a  The answer isn't in other people or in things or changes to my body or to the way I live, but simply in loving me and it is so very hard.

1 comment:

  1. Shannon, I know exactly how you feel. Until I told my wife about me, I had this terrible disdain for myself and my body. I think probably most of us have had this similar feeling or belief, even though we found ways to live around it. We are very good at that.

    But, our Father in heaven, and His Son Jesus Christ, have loved us before we were even born. If God can love us as the sinners that we are, can we not do the same for ourselves? Of course we can! It just takes some trying, and giving it all to the Lord to take care of. I know for me, I have never felt that love for myself as I do now. Certainly there are some times when the old feelings creep back, but not nearly as much as they did before. I like where I am now, whether I get to move forward or not. The Lord is my Shepherd...

    You are always in my prayers sis.