Dealing with Pain and Dating

What I went in to see my Doctor for was intermittent pain in my right leg. The concern was that it was because of blood clots. Dr Shelly thought it was probably a pinched nerve but we were going to check for clots to be safe. I think she was right. I think it is a pinched nerve or something else and we just coincidentally found a clot.  The pain seems to have become constant on some level.  It is not always intense but it's there. I can deal with it.  It seems the worst when I'm driving. Something about how I hold my right foot sets off pain in my foot or ankle and then my thigh and then my lower back. If I'm able to put the car in cruise control, it's better. If I'm in stop and go, it's hell. Several people have suggested its sciatica and it could well be. I just know I hurt ... a lot!  And I expect that it won't be quick, easy and cheap to fix.

So it wasn't easy to drive from downtown Seattle to Issaquah at rush hour on a Friday to see the woman I've been dating. We've been mostly just friends, maybe special friends and there may have been some benefits to the relationship.  We were going to go to a woman's perty, I thought together.  I was wrong. She was already in Seattle and had plans for getting home. I had thought I was her only way in to the party and back. Because of the pain and if were just me, I would have skipped the party.  Which is what I'm going to do now. I am not a happy camper.  Not happy at all.

As for dating and finding the right partner?  I've been deciding to stop looking for her. It's a very difficult thing for me to follow through on. I've always found my self-worth in a relationship with a woman. But I've decided I need to find more balance in my life. I need to explore who I am as a woman beyond being a mom, especially now that My Girls are growing up and are more and more living their own lives and needing me less.  I need to find my self-worth dating a new woman who has been there all along. I'm going to start dating, courting me.

A difficult blog to write...

Last October, when I had to go on insulin, I asked my endocrinologist [for my diabetes only] if I could go on estrogen. He sent me to an Everett Clinic hematologist who ran like $3500 worth of labs on me to determine why I had blood clots before and if it would be likely I would get them again if I was on estrogen. Most of my blood tests came back clean. We discovered that I am heterozygous [the only way I am hetero] for a gene that promotes clots in the veins or Deep Vein Thrombosis [DVT's]. That means that of two genes that I could have that would increase the likelihood of DVT's I only have one. That translates to a increase of 2-8 times the probability of DVT's compared to people who don't have this gene. The hematologist was not concerned about this and any estrogen therapy I might start. She was concerned about an indication of particular antibodies that can cause blood clots in the heart which are much more likely to travel to the brain and cause strokes. Antibodies can go away. We tentatively scheduled a retest for the Spring of 2011. I have no medical insurance and a lot of my health issues took a hit this year to save dollars; this test was one of those things that got put off. August 10th [my Mom's birthday] I went in for my lab draw for this antigen test. I was told it would be 3 to 5 days before the labs came back.

The weekend of the 13th, my 2nd Daughter and I went to Leavenworth, Washington to have some time just us and get away from a lot of the things we'd been busy with at home. We had a fabulous time! In the middle of all this, I haven't been sleeping really well and when I would wake up at night, one thing I do is check my email on my smart phone. Sunday morning, I saw that the labs had been posted. I looked at them and wasn't really sure what they said. Back to trying to sleep. Around 4, I woke up again, checked my email again, and checked my labs one more time. I was pretty sure I understood what was there and again went back to sleep. I'd tell my daughter in the morning, before I said anything to anybody else. I was ok. No big deal. I knew this was a possibility.

I got up and cleaned up and waited for Sleeping Beauty [or is it Rapunzel?]. She was up and got her shower and was getting ready for the day when I stuck my face in and told her the labs were back. She had a concerned look on her face and I told her, "I can't go on estrogen, the labs were positive."

She said, "I'm sorry, momma."

I replied, "Doesn't change the woman I am. I've been post-menopausal for a year and a half. Doesn't make me any less your mom."

"No, it doesn't."

Have I said that I love this child?

So I let her get back to making herself pretty [which is as redundant a statement as I can think of] and I go and sit down on the bed.

And started to choke up.

And I started to sob.


The things my heart doesn't tell my head …


As I am weeping for my loss, these strong, warm, loving arms wrap me up and and her head lays on my shoulder and she holds me like I'll die if she doesn't. And she let me sob my heart out.

I didn't know …

I really did not know how much I had hoped to go on the estrogen!

I had no idea how much that hope meant to me!

And it was gone …



On Monday, I called the hematologist to confirm what I read in the labs. She told me she really, Really, REALLY could not recommend I go on estrogen therapy! She did tell me if I decided to go on estrogen therapy, she would Insist! I go on the blood thinner, coumadin. I knew beforehand coumadin therapy would not be a guarantee that I wouldn't have clots and has it's own problems. She left it up to me.

It is surprising how painful no-brainer decisions can be.

I knew that Sunday when I told my daughter that I couldn't go on estrogen that I would have to blog this. I have so many friends pulling for me wanting to know how things have gone. I would have to say something! But it has taken me ten days! to get to a place where I can write about it. And even now my eyes are brimming with my tears. Hope dies hard!


I am a 58-year-old, post-menopausal woman. I will not be dieing to have my estrogen. I can _live_ with this. But it hurts.