All of this...

I find myself really shook by all of this.  By the stroke, the blood clots, the Afib.  And then there's the finances of it all.  This isn't going to be pretty.  I am going in to the doctor's office to get m INR checked everyday for the next week at least.  And there will be lab fees until I can get my INR up high enough that I don't have to continue with the Fragmin/Lovenox shots.  Warfarin is pretty cheap so it isn't going to kill my pocket book, but the rest of my medical bills are going to be significant!

There is just so much uncertainty in my life all of a sudden and it is hard for me to stay focused and positive!  I am moving tomorrow.  A week ago I would have told you that it was a good thing, a very good thing.  I still think it is, but it is also something of an unknown.  And unknowns are not welcome at the moment.

And that my leg and hip seem to be constantly in pain and I can't take more than 1K mg of Tylenol at a pop to deal with it…  it drags on my spirit.  It is really hard to be positive.  I can't use anything with aspirin or ibuprofen or naproxen, either internally or topically.  I don't know how people with chronic pain do it!

I've been to tears and near tears several times by all of this. I am really shaken by this.  I get angry but mostly I am a scared, frightened little girl.

My Second Daughter gave me a list of good things that are going on. positive things to think about:

• I may have the surgery,
• I may go on estrogen,
• I will get some sort of funding for medical (job-related or not),
• I will date myself  (a post abut this is coming),
• I will get out there and fish, hike, and photograph,

others I came up with:

• I will get work.
• I will be well,
• I will be healthy,
• I am Loved,
• my life is rich beyond measure because of the Love of my family

But I need to focus!  I need to remember!

Dealing with Pain and Dating

What I went in to see my Doctor for was intermittent pain in my right leg. The concern was that it was because of blood clots. Dr Shelly thought it was probably a pinched nerve but we were going to check for clots to be safe. I think she was right. I think it is a pinched nerve or something else and we just coincidentally found a clot.  The pain seems to have become constant on some level.  It is not always intense but it's there. I can deal with it.  It seems the worst when I'm driving. Something about how I hold my right foot sets off pain in my foot or ankle and then my thigh and then my lower back. If I'm able to put the car in cruise control, it's better. If I'm in stop and go, it's hell. Several people have suggested its sciatica and it could well be. I just know I hurt ... a lot!  And I expect that it won't be quick, easy and cheap to fix.

So it wasn't easy to drive from downtown Seattle to Issaquah at rush hour on a Friday to see the woman I've been dating. We've been mostly just friends, maybe special friends and there may have been some benefits to the relationship.  We were going to go to a woman's perty, I thought together.  I was wrong. She was already in Seattle and had plans for getting home. I had thought I was her only way in to the party and back. Because of the pain and if were just me, I would have skipped the party.  Which is what I'm going to do now. I am not a happy camper.  Not happy at all.

As for dating and finding the right partner?  I've been deciding to stop looking for her. It's a very difficult thing for me to follow through on. I've always found my self-worth in a relationship with a woman. But I've decided I need to find more balance in my life. I need to explore who I am as a woman beyond being a mom, especially now that My Girls are growing up and are more and more living their own lives and needing me less.  I need to find my self-worth dating a new woman who has been there all along. I'm going to start dating, courting me.

So it seems I have some clotting going on …

So it seems I have some kind of clotting going on. Whether it is old clots or new ones, they don't Know aright now. They need to find and compare some old scans. I am currently waiting to see my doctor. They may have found something new behind my knee. I am scared. I really cannot afford this. But I am more afraid to face this by myself. It makes me know how vulnerable and fragile my life is. I have my Second Daughter to fall back on for emotional and moral support. But she has her own life and challenges.

What I'll probably do is put a brave Face on things and just keep on Keeping On. I am a survivor. I always get by.

Helluva way to start a new life...

Last Tuesday I saw Dr. Finn and complained about how swollen my leg was. We scheduled an ultrasound appointment for Wednesday. I went to the ultrasound and sure enough there were clots in my leg [deep vein thrombosis or DVT]. From thigh to toe. They were gonna have a Clinic Security person roll me over to the Anti-Coagulation [AG] clinic across the street. Then the duty doc decided because of my shortness of breath they should send me to the ER to be completely checked out. There might be a clot in my lung and that would explain the SOB. I was bundled into an ambulance and off we go!

At the ER, I called my wife and let her know I was there and why. I also told her I wasn’t dressed as a boy. She wasn’t happy to hear that. She came down and was obviously concerned. They ran some tests and put me through a CT scan. I had clots in the lung [pulmonary embolism or PE], too. Three of them. So I was admitted to the hospital, hooked up to a heart monitor and then started blood thinning therapy on me. A couple of days later, they sent me home and I am to start coumadin therapy for probably the next 6 months. I am also going to stop my estrogen therapy. I get to go through menopause and I haven’t even finished puberty ;) .

Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if I had DVT’s in the other leg and clots restricting the blood flow to the head [now wouldn’t that explain a lot ;)]. I get light headed and a little dizzy once in a while, especially when I stand up quickly.