Friday, February 24, 2012

All of this...

I find myself really shook by all of this.  By the stroke, the blood clots, the Afib.  And then there's the finances of it all.  This isn't going to be pretty.  I am going in to the doctor's office to get m INR checked everyday for the next week at least.  And there will be lab fees until I can get my INR up high enough that I don't have to continue with the Fragmin/Lovenox shots.  Warfarin is pretty cheap so it isn't going to kill my pocket book, but the rest of my medical bills are going to be significant!

There is just so much uncertainty in my life all of a sudden and it is hard for me to stay focused and positive!  I am moving tomorrow.  A week ago I would have told you that it was a good thing, a very good thing.  I still think it is, but it is also something of an unknown.  And unknowns are not welcome at the moment.

And that my leg and hip seem to be constantly in pain and I can't take more than 1K mg of Tylenol at a pop to deal with it…  it drags on my spirit.  It is really hard to be positive.  I can't use anything with aspirin or ibuprofen or naproxen, either internally or topically.  I don't know how people with chronic pain do it!

I've been to tears and near tears several times by all of this. I am really shaken by this.  I get angry but mostly I am a scared, frightened little girl.

My Second Daughter gave me a list of good things that are going on. positive things to think about:
  • I may have the surgery,
  • I may go on estrogen,
  • I will get some sort of funding for medical (job-related or not),
  • I will date myself  (a post abut this is coming),
  • I will get out there and fish, hike, and photograph,
others I came up with:
  • I will get work.
  • I will be well,
  • I will be healthy,
  • I am Loved,
  • my life is rich beyond measure because of the Love of my family
But I need to focus!  I need to remember!

1 comment:

  1. {{hugs}}

    As someone with chronic pain, I understand where you are coming from. There are days I break down and cry, because even though I am on a low level narcotic AND tylenol every approximate 5 hours and the pain isn't gone. It is only lessened from 9-10 to 6-7 on their darn 1-10 pain level scale.

    I would imagine once you are on the warfarin for a while, wouldn't the blood clots dissolve? And the pain go away? Or is the pain not caused by the clots?

    Add to your list:

    ~You are strong! (You've made it tis far haven't you??)
    ~You are living WHO YOU ARE.... That accounts for so very much!
    ~You have not only friends close to you... but way out here in NY who love you!
    ~You are getting medical care! Many don't have it, and would die not being able to have access... in time your symptoms should, and likely will fade...
    ~A new apartment, a new beginning, closer than ever to your support system... a new healthy life style... new I know can be scary, but I think overall this sounds like an AMAZING new fresh start for you!

    And, never forget, though I am here in NY, I be available to talk at any time... call me, facebook me, email me.... All of it from you is forwarded to my phone.... because I love you, just that much :)