Yesterday evening, I tried to make sure I had my paperwork for the divorce done and I took it over to my wife. She says she’s looking for closure. She wants it done as soon as we can get it done. The marriage is over. That saddens me a great deal. I really don’t know what I’m holding onto. It’s been over for a long time. But I don’t want it to be over. I miss her laugh and her smile. The bright twinkle in her eyes.
After dropping off the paperwork, I went home with the assignment that I was to write and email to our lawyer. I couldn’t get to it. I kept putting it off. I just couldn’t make myself do it. I was in such a sad place that I couldn’t approach the email. Finally, around 11:00PM, I was able to force my way through it and get it sent off. A phrase from a Bobby Vinton song [I think] seems appropriate. “Blue on Blue, Heartache on Heartache...” I feel like someone is slowly pulling my heart out through a small hole.
I expected to better this morning and I was for a while. I got an email from my son. The first since I’ve come out. He was responding to an email I sent to him, the first from my new Shannon email address. I signed mine “Dad," I don’t think he would have been pleased for me to sign it “Shannon.” I had asked about open mic opportunities for a friend who wants to share her poetry. He told me how things are going in seminary. He’s having a great time. Then he got to the meat of his email. He gave me a few ideas of where my friend could go to share her poetry. And he made it crystal clear that he didn’t want her to go to his favorite poetry night. He said it would feel like an invasion of his privacy. This saddened me. I could see where going there would not be appropriate for me. But to paint my friend guilty because of her association with me just isn’t right. Especially because I know under other circumstances, Jake would like her a lot.
So, on what is usually one of the high points of my week, I’m feeling a little down.
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That is so sad Shannon. It is impossibly for me to imagine what you must be going through with a marriage ending and your kids not accepting you. Not to mention judging your friends poorly. My family is doing the exact same to me, my friends, really my NEW family, are seen as enemies for accepting me. They don't even know them but judge them without any cause beyond their support.
ReplyDeleteReally though I'm at a loss for words for your situation. It is so sad, I guess all we can do is leave it up to God to hopefully heal the hearts of those we love.
All I can do is trust that the One Who Loves me will work in me to be a new creation a woman and a child he is well pleased with, and I hope that my family can see this change too.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine having your kids reject you like that Shannon, *hugs*. I'm glad we never actually had any kids before this happened.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can mourn the loss of your wife and move on to find someone that can appreciate the loving wonderful woman I've seen. =)
*blush* Thank you, Jerica.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you, for I have been in the same dark corner where you stand regarding your children. What saddens me even more is that your son is in Seminary and yet his heart is hardened against you.
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