Friday, June 10, 2011

In Harm's Way

Today and this weekend is an anxious time for me.

I am going camping near Rainier with a Car Camping meetup group. For the first time. I am not out to them. And after the rejection of Wednesday, I am very hesitant to put my bruised heart on the line again. I have had three meltdowns this morning. Why do I have to put my heart on the line? Why can't this be easier? I deserve better than this treatment! Why can't people just let me be me?

ALL! All I EVER! wanted to be was the "Girl Next Door."

I like the nickname SweetShannon because of the alliteration. But mostly it is who I want to be. I want to be a sweet and gentle woman, perhaps a lady, that everyone is comfortable with and, hopefully, somewhat attached to.

And again, I am putting my heart on the line and I am scared. I don't do rejection well. And I do not want to go there or hide safely in my shell. But I cannot live without putting my heart in harm's way. And I pray Poppa is with me and keeps my heart safe if not unbruised.


  1. Garth Brooks has a song called "Standing Outside The Fire". He talks about those people who never get burned....but they never really live either...they merely stand outside the fire.

    The rest of us take our chances and jump in over and over. We may get burned but we lick our wounds and jump back in.

    I love you momma and I hope you have a good time this weekend.

  2. *You can't make an omelet unless you break some eggs*. Don't you just hate spiffy little sayings like this? But it's true, you have to stick you neck out there some time.

    Best wishes and much needed prayers coming your way. Try to relax, breathe_ breathe_ breathe. Now that you are relaxed, go and enjoy.

    *Prayers and Hugs*

  3. My life is not one where I am really afforded the opportunity to "Stand Outside the Fire." I could do that before ... before I had to become who I really am.

    I d/l'd the song and will add it to my Coping and TG playlist. Thank you for pointing me to it. You're a good kid, I think I'll keep you.

  4. Shannon I'm really sorry to read of your struggles with the narrow minded. It's a a horrible paradox where you're seeking to be truthful with yourself and others. This is an area I don't feel I will ever reconcile and primarily the main reason I am seeking to de-transition.

    We transition to be true to ourselves and yet when we are truthful about that with others we become outcasts. It hurts but what do you do start lying again? I hate it. Who ever thought the price of honesty could hurt so?

    You have my sincere sympathies.

  5. Teri,

    I've followed you and your thoughts and some of your path about detransition. I am pained to see you go through this. I cannot say I haven't considered detransition. But I can't, cannot, can not go back! All I have lost would mostly still be gone. My kids might come back to me a little sooner, but those relationships are seriously bent and wont be the same. I have the advantage of living someplace where being out as a Transgender or as a Transsexual is not really so bad. Maybe even good. And I will embrace being a transsexual proudly if I am not able to go quasi-stealth. Stealth or out, I won't deny my history. I spent too many years lying about my future and I won't lie about my past. I just cannot be a whole person otherwise.

    Sorry for the soapbox. Things still rankle...

    Whether or not I pre-emptively out myself or not is up in the air at this time. I just want to be me.

  6. You're very brave, Shannon. I hope it worked out.