Sunday, June 26, 2011

To be who I truly am ...

My favorite quote is from e. e. cummins, "It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are."

For a very long time I knew that who the world saw when they looked at my life was not who I truly was in my heart. And when I heard the e. e. cummins quote I was ashamed. Ashamed because I knew I didn't have the courage to be who I really am. But I clung to the quote and it has been in my .sig files for 15+ years.

Today ... today, some would say I've "turn(ed) out to be who I really am." But I have not finished my journey. Everyday is a struggle to be who I really am. Everyday I fight the desire, the siren call, the need to be who others want me to be. There is safety there. I don't have to be brave anymore. I don't have to stand in the fire. Yes, it calls to me!

But I cannot go back! "Back" was an unreality. And "Normal" is something that I can never reclaim without going into hiding. Where do I hide from my self? It is a lie that the pain I feel now will be gone. The specific pains? maybe, but there will be pain and hurt still and the shame that I turned my back on who I really am.

It catches me funny sometimes when I think about it, but I am -PROUD- of who I am!


  1. Hi Shannon,

    We are all proud of who you are and who you have become. It's very hard to BE who we are inside, on the outside. Trust in the Lord to lead you. I continue to pray every night for you and all your needs. Be patient even though it seems impossible.

    Many Blessing, Prayers, and Hugs

  2. I found another quote by Cummings: "To be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else... means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight... and never stop fighting."
    I think words like that help staying focused.

    I hope you can always be who you truly are. It is hard to KNOW that part, to LIVE it even more so.

  3. Thank you both for your love, encouragement and support. It is so very precious to me.

    @Cynthia: Thank you for all your prayers, again they are sooo appreciated!

    @Kix: I know that quote too and it is very apropos to my life. I just haven't know it as long and haven't memorized it yet. At this point in my "transition" it is probably more to the point than the other one. But they are both sources of inspiration and encouragement. Thank you.